Johnny Damon Makes Us All....

Oh, Johnny Damon. You need to just keep your mouth shut until you make a decision on which of the lucrative, although less lucrative than you'd wish, offers on the table you will accept. Comments have been made. Feathers have been ruffled. Fans have alternated between wanting you to make our offense more left-handed and potent, to wanting you to fall into a volcano in Hawaii.

You'd love to play in Detroit and make us a winner.

Detroit isn't cosmopolitan enough for you and your wife.

You're a fan of Steve Yzerman and you eat octopi.

You and Beelzebub (I mean, respected agent Scott Boras) play us against our division rival the Chicago Black Sox.

You make us feel like our heads are spinning, and they are, because of all your spin.

Just stop it now. Just make your choice. Just pick a freaking city to play for 2010, then go out and play the free agent auction to the highest (and most cosmopolitan) bidder again in 2011. Just shut up and get ready to report to Spring Training. Just...just...stop toying with our emotions, which have been shredded up like so much confetti.