Wednesday, January 18, 2012

SuperPac: Guerrero Your Hero

I have decided to start a superpac to campaign on behalf of bringing Vladimir Guerrero to the D. I mean, it's the season for campaigning, so why not throw Vlad's hat in to the ring? I don't know about you, but every time I listen to debates or soundbites from politicians, I get a strange churning feeling in the pit of my stomach. The seemingly viral corruption there is very distasteful. Never fear, I pledge to run a clean campaign for Vlad. No smearing of the other candidates. Well, if something about one of the other candidates is true, it may be shared in the interest of full disclosure.

Here are some qualities that would make Vlad a good fit for Detroit:

1. He doesn't use batting gloves. This is just pure awesomeness, and there are very few people who bat without gloves these days. Because he doesn't use gloves, he uses a lot of pine tar. We want to help sustain the pine tar industry, so let's employ Guerrero. Maybe they'll build a pine tar processing plant in Michigan.

2. Vlad's mother makes an incredible spread for the clubhouse for every game. Guerrero is from the Dominican Republic. Word is his mother's food is super delicious. Who knows, you may have a chance to sneak into the clubhouse sometime and partake.

3. Vlad is a bad ball hitter. I love this. It's impossible not to love seeing someone swing at stuff above the letters and down on the shoetops and actually make contact. I am fully aware that Vlad is not in his prime any longer, but he would be more than serviceable.

4. His name is Vladimir. That is all.

5. Vlad has six kids. I don't know how he has managed his money. He may need the cash.

6. He was on the cover of TV Guide. TV GUIDE! You don't believe me? Behold.

Look, our campaign slogan is clear: "VIVA VLAD!"

So there you have it. My case for Vladimir Guerrero. I will be producing campaign video spots, buttons, yard signs, and more very soon.

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